


On Intimacy

by wuyifantastic



Series: The meanings of love: [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 05:44:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14442636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuyifantastic/pseuds/wuyifantastic
Summary: Sehun wants. Jongin waits.





	On Intimacy

**Author's Note:**

> I debated on posting this or just keeping it for myself. But. I figured why not. Hate it, love it, tell me about it. also i didnt edit because i didnt want to chicken out.

It had been exactly 1,257 days, 20 hours, 11 minutes, and 54 seconds since Jongin and Sehun had kissed for the first time as lovers. Three years and six months- roughly. 

Sehun is not better. He will never be 'cured'. But, he does love and trust Jongin. They exchanged those words exactly 320 days into their relationship. Sure, Jongin had thrown the expression 'me loving you' out that night at the coffee shop, but they hadn't ever explicitly stated the words 'I love you' until that day. January 5th. 

 

Sehun said it as he hid his face in a bouquet of flowers, earmuffs doing nothing to actually warm his frozen ears and nose red. He had intended on waiting until Jongin's birthday, but Dr. Han had told him he needed to express feelings spontaneously, not planned and recited like a script. 

He had bought the flowers on impulse, too. Everyone said I love you with flowers, didn't they? It came out in a flurry of words, but Jongin just looked so, so fond instead of laughing. It didn't make Sehun feel silly then. It was a very happy memory for Sehun. 

Today is July 31st, 2020, nearing 7 o'clock in the evening. Sehun is doing the dishes from dinner. He no longer follows a strict daily menu, but the time he eats is always the same. Six. It's changed since three and a half years ago. 

Because his life is different since then. He's 26 years old and Jongin is too. They're both still in college and both still struggling to make ends meet and not get buried up to their eyeballs in debt. They live together now, though. Not in Sehun's shoe box apartment but in Jongin's. Which is more like a boot box. Slightly larger. 

Jongin has spoken of a better future, but Sehun's future, one where he is happy and healthy and loved still just features their small apartment and Jongin. As long as he has Jongin, Sehun would be alright with anything. Anywhere. 

Sehun still works at Suho's shop, but Jongin does not. Jongin has to focus on just his school in order to pass all his classes. The money Jongin accepts from his parents, who are proud of him and love Sehun, to, is only just enough for their rent. Money is tight, but Sehun is in love. And happy as can be. 

Sehun sees Dr. Han, of course, only it is a monthly appointment now instead of weekly. He's still working on his problems, but as they are mostly manageable and Sehun has all the tools and strategies to work through mostly just to check his progress and stability. 

Jongin and Sehun have fought, sometimes. When Sehun is too stubborn or Jongin cares too much. But they never go to bed angry and Sehun doesn't think their relationship is perfect, but it's the closest thing he's seen to it. The best thing he's ever seen is Jongin's sleepy smile in the wee hours of the morning when the sun is just starting to peek through the blinds in their room and Sehun wakes him with a kiss to his full lips. When Jongin's eyes squint as they adjust to the light. When Sehun thinks he must look like and angel to Jongin because that's the only explanation for the adoration and sheer awe on his face. 

It's the same every morning when Sehun wakes up at seven a.m. He plants three kisses to Jongin's lips, sometimes more than one set of three, until Jongin wakes up. And Jongin always smiles like it's their first kiss all over again. 

The problem is, Sehun knows he should be ready, by now, to have sex with Jongin. It's something Jongin had mentioned once, but he also stressed that it wasn't important to him. But the way he's heard Chanyeol and Baekhyun and even Jongdae talk about sex, Sehun knows Jongin must be...

His cheeks flare at the thought. Sehun can only imagine what his face must have given away to make Jongin never bring it up again. 

Today is July 31st, 2020, roughly three years and six months after Sehun and Jongin began dating. It's also a Friday, which means tomorrow, Jongin sleeps in. Sehun still rises with the sun, but he lets Jongin sleep in. Friday nights are reserved mostly for Jongin to study and catch up on homework from the week. 

Sehun watches Jongin at the table that just a half hour prior had held their dinner. Now it hold four textbooks and several sheets of paper. Sehun tried not to balk at the haphazard pattern in which they are spread across the table. 

Jongin is neat. But sometimes he is messy. Sehun loves him anyways. 

Sehun doesn't feel particularly bold when he walks over after setting the last dish in the drying rack and drying his hands. Nor does he feel so when he sits in the chair next to Jongin and lifts his legs to drape across Jongin's lap. It's a familiar position. Sehun will silently keep Jongin company as he studies at the table. 

The hand Jongin is not using to furiously scribble notes drops to Sehun's calf- like it usually does. He squeezes and moves his fingers in slow circles- like a massage. Sehun is also used to this. He's used to the simmering heat that pools in his stomach every once in a while when Jongin touches him like this. 

Sehun decideds it's time. He's ready as he'll ever be- probably has been for a while. He wants. The ball has always been in Sehun's court and now... Sehun hadn't the slightest idea about basketball, so he can't think of an analogy, but he knows he has to do something. 

Take a shot? Shoot?

Nervousness punches him in the gut. He flexes his calf, which usually tends to make Jongin's hand move higher. It does this time, as well. Sehun's heart leaps into his throat. 

It's the feeling he gets when he's about to have an anxiety attack. Only, there isn't any dread of crushing panic. He's nervous as hell, but not anxious. He's anticipating. Jongin never trails his hand above Sehun's knee. Ever. Sehun is reminded when Jongin's hand inches back down. He's always so modest and careful of Sehun's personal space. 

Sehun doesn't want to say anything, he doesn't want to potentially ruin the mood by asking if they could have sex. That seems absurd. To ask for sex for the first time with someone he's been dating for over three years. Three years is a long tie to date and not have sex. 

Sehun has never had sex before. Jongin has. 

Suddenly, he remembers every single reason why he always told himself he wasn't ready for this. He's just embarrass himself. He'll be bad at it. He'll... orgasm too soon. Sehun's face feels hot. Too hot. 

“Jongin?” Sehun says quietly, deciding that, like Dr. Hand had said as well, scary and big decisions should be discussed with someone he loved and trusted. 

Jongin's hand squeezes the middle of his slender calf and his eyes look up, questioning. “Yes, Hun-ah?”

Sehun's heart constricts with worry and embarrassment. He smiles sheepishly and shakes his head, “Never mind.”

Jongin smiles kindly, not seeming upset in the slightest Sehun threw off his concentration. He turns back to his books, and begins again where he had left off. 

When Jongin concentrates, his brows furrow together and his lips purse. This creates a crease in his brow that Sehun wants to simultaneously count the ridges and smooth them away. His lips look fuller and Sehun always has the urge to kiss them.

He never does for the sake of Jongin's concentration. But, he lets himself imagine doing so in that moment. He's imagines kissing Jongin, of course. He's thought about kissing Jongin's chest and muscular stomach. About kissing his strong arms and soft hands. His neck. Tugging on his ear. 

In his daydreams, there had been no touching. Just kissing. Maybe Jongin remained modest in his affection because Sehun couldn't even imagine touching and being touched in such a manner. Jongin knew it, probably. 

Face heating once more, Sehun's eyes fluttered closed. He tried to imagine touching Jongin. It was one of those tools he had developed with Dr. Han. If he visualized something and prepared himself for the sensations and reactions, he would be more ready for it to happen in real life. 

Behind his eyelids, Jongin's hand slips up to his thigh. He tries not to react visibly, tries to keep still so Jongin won't notice. 

–

Two whole Fridays later, they're once again in the same position. Jongin is studying with his hand on Sehun's calf, and Sehun is trying hard not to become too aroused by what he's picturing. In his mind, Jongin has Sehun shirtless, mouth on his chest. His imagination is steadily becoming filthier, but in real life, Sehun can't even manage to wash Jongin's body when they shower together. Which isn't often.

Sehun's eyes pop open. Initiating more regular intimacy in ways he hadn't expressed before is a good way to start. It's a great way to start! Sehun feels almost giddy from the realization. 

Sehun swallows. Maybe he should take a huge leap and suggest they bathe together. Sehun's spine tingles at the thought. He isn't sure if it's in a good or bad way.

Perhaps not there. Yet. Maybe one day they could make it to that point and squeeze into their small bathtub together. Naked. 

“Jongin?” Sehun decides to do it now, before he loses his nerve. “Do you want to come shower with me?”

Sehun showers in the morning, Jongin knows this, which makes perfect sense why Jongin is looking at him oddly. “really? Right now?” Jongin checks the clock, Sehun sits up, his legs falling from Jongin's lap. 

“Yeah.” Sehun nods, skin tingling. There is a lot of effort in keeping his face neutral when his heart is pounding away like it is. “I feel gross. It was so hot today, I don't know if I can sleep while being so sweaty.”

Jongin closes his books and stands. Sehun follows suit and stops by the hall closet just outside of the bathroom for towels. Sehun tries to calm his heart by pressing his face into the towels. 

Sehun heard the water start running and clothing hit the floor. Sehun tries to school his face when he steps into the bathoom into a neutral expression, but his face burns. 

Sehun peels off his shirt and places it into the hamper which is getting a little full. Saturdays are laundry days, which makes sense. He slips out of his pants and boxers and into the shower. He pulls the curtain closed carefully before he lets his eyes fall onto Jongin.

He's seen his boyfriend naked countless times. Jongin spends an hour in the morning before classes start and Sehun is making them breakfast to work out. He lifts some hand weights and does pushups. When he loses count, he always asks Sehun what number he was on. Sehun, of course, always has the answer. It isn't much, but it is enough to keep Jongin's abs lightly defined but hard. Tantalizing. 

Right now, Jongin is under the water, wetting down his body. Sehun reaches for the shampoo and waits for Jongin to step out from under the water. When he does, and his eyes open, he smiles at Sehun, who lifts the shampoo and squirts some on his head. “I...I'm gonna wash you, okay?” Sehun puts the bottle down and starts massaging the shampoo into his scalp. 

Jongin uses different shampoo than Sehun, and it smells so good, so much like what Sehun equates to everything safe and comfortable in the whole world. “Do I get to wash you, too?” Jongin asks, eyes closed so he can't see the look on Sehun's face. Sehun is sure he looks unsure about it. 

But, he nods. Realizing he can't see how Sehun moves, he clears his throat to make sure his voice isn't shaky. “Yes, I want you to.” He says, and his face feels hot again.

Jongin opens his eyes, obviously surprised. “Yeah?” Jongin, Sehun can tell, is trying hard not to appear too excited. Just that look alone makes Sehun's heart swell. He looks so... adorable, and Sehun doesn't respond. He just kisses Jongin. 

Jongin freezes in shock. Sehun is too. They're charting unfamiliar territory, surely. Jongin snaps out of it before Sehun does and cups Sehun's cheeks with his wet, strong hands, making it so Sehun can't pull away. Which he doesn't want to. At the warm embrace of Jongin's hands, Sehun steps closer, pulling himself closer. Jongin is still half under the spray and even though he keeps their body mere centimeters apart, he still starts to get hit with the spray of the water. 

Sehun's lips part all on their own. Jongin takes unthinkingly, his lips coaxing and guiding Sehun into a patterned movement for a few moments- it feels like a lifetime- and then his tongue slips into Sehun's mouth. Sehun almost can't take in breath. He manages, just barely, and moves along with Jongin. He lets Jongin take control, show him how it's done. 

It feels like his daydreams, the ones he had while they were at the table together, the ones he had just before bed, the ones he had during the slow parts at work. Only it's real and it's so much better. So much better than anything Sehun could have ever imagined. The heat from Jongin's body radiated from him, Sehun couldn't stop himself from reaching out and... touching. 

His touch was light, as if unsure. First, he touched his neck, soapy fingers tracing the muscles as they moved, following the movements Jongin was making with his mouth. Those heavenly movements. Sehun has touched this part of Jongin before. They've kissed like this before once or twice. But not naked. 

Sehun's hands traveled lower, feeling the pecs he's only had the pleasure of knowing under clothes. His skin is so warm, Sehun wants to sink against it, feel the whole length of his body against his own. Warm. Wet. It's everything in this moment. 

Sehun doesn't think when he closes the distance- he just does it. And he sighs into Jongin's mouth, both of them are under the spray of the shower head now, suds and water running down from Jongin's head. It makes it even harder to get in breath but Sehun thinks that he could die right now and not have any regrets. 

Heat is pooling in his stomach, he feels the tell tale symptoms of arousal. And when he finally realizes Jongin's hands arm trailing down his back, fingertips skimming over the ridges of his spine, he's realizing once more that this is uncharted territory. He's never done this before. 

Jongin has. 

Jongin's hands hit his hips and pulls their lower bodies together the same moment he pushes them both towards the wall. The feeling of their hardening lengths pressing together along with the coldness of the tiled wall against Sehun's back causes him to make a sound. This god awful, embarrassing sound that is unlike anything else he's ever made before. But he's heard it, late at night when the t.v. Stations play less savory shows. He had always quickly clicked away. 

He forces his lips from Jongin's so fast and hard his head hits against the tile and Jongin starts backwards, just enough to give Sehun space. To let him breathe. 

Jongin starts to speak, but Sehun doesn't hear it, looking very much like a fish out of water. His face is hot, his mind racing. “I'm sorry-” Is all Sehun responds with before stumbling from the shower, nearly slipping. 

“Sehun-” Jongin speaks, but stays in the shower after Sehun forces the curtain closed and starts to towel off. 

“I'm sorry, Jongin. I can't--” 

“I understand, Sehun. I'm not upset.” Jongin doesn't move the curtain, as if he knows Sehun needs this separation. “I'm gonna finish up in here and we will go to bed, alright?” 

“Okay.” Sehun chokes out and exits the bathroom, towel around his waist so he could get dressed in their bedroom. 

As an apology, because he knows Jongin would like it, he slips on Jongin's oversized and comfortable NYU sweatshirt. It was big on both of them when it was new, and eight years later, it's now worn and mostly retired to the back of their closet. But Jongin had mentioned once how cute Sehun looks in it. So now, he wear it along with a sweatpants of a matching navy. 

He no longer has several sets of the same pajamas to wear to bed every night. 

It's 15 minutes 32 seconds later that Jongin rejoins Sehun in the bedroom and gets dressed. When he sees Sehun on the bed, sitting up against the headboard, he seems to melt. Sehun watches the emotions pass across his face. Adoration, admiration, love. 

It's all so tender. Sehun smiles back. 

They don't talk about what happened in the shower, Jongin doesn't ask so Sehun doesn't explain. Instead, Jongin turns on the small tv on their long dresser and climbs into bed with Sehun. Sehun sinks to the pillows, even though his hair is wet and he will have to change everything again even though the sheets were just changed that morning. He does this, because this is their routine. Dinner, dishes, studying, bedtime. 

“You look so cute, baby.” Jongin says as his arms circles around Sehun's waist. It's familiar. Jongin smells like home. Sehun's cheeks burn at the compliment as Sehun turns towards Jongin. Their faces are close together and Sehun initiates a slow, but modest kiss. 

“I love you, Jongin.” He says, still feeling a little bad about what happened in the shower. “I'm so glad you're with me.” Sehun reminds Jongin of this fact a lot, and he feels that Jongin needs to be reminded of this fact now more than ever. 

Jongin cards his fingers through his damp hair and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. Then one to the tip of his nose. “I love you, Sehun. So much. And I am so glad you're with me.” Jongin echoes the words back. Sehun feels, he knows, that Jongin's words are sincere. And it puts him at ease enough to fall asleep. 

–

“Jongin's probably a saint. He'll die and go to heaven and immediately be given the position of god.” Chanyeol gapes at Sehun. 

“I figured you two didn't really do the whole intimacy thing much but... wow.” Baekhyun says before Sehun can argue with Chanyeol about that not being how Christianity worked. 

Sehun is, quite frankly, shocked that Jongin hadn't said anything to his two best friends. “He hasn't gotten off in three and a half years.” Chanyeol is still using that hushed and awed tone. Sehun shifts uncomfortably. 

“I'm sure he's jerked it.” Baekhyun say as they ignore Sehun hunching in on himself. He hadn't planned on the conversation going this way when he had come to the two on their weekly lunch together. He originally wanted advice from people he knew and trusted were good with... the whole sex thing. From what Sehun had gathered, they do it a lot. “Right, Sehun? Jongin jacks off?”

Sehun blinks, mouth agape. “I-I dunno? He wouldn't do it in front of me...?” Sehun had no idea how to handle this situation and he rather regrets asking for advice. 

“Still, even if he survived by using his hand, it's still...” Chanyeol whistles lowly, then glances at Sehun's shell shocked face. “Oh. I'm so sorry, Sehun-”

Sehun looks positively mortified. And perhaps a little upset. At himself. Jongin had made a lot of sacrifices for Sehun, it seems. “Obviously since Jongin hasn't told us about any of this, it means it must not have been much of a bother to him.” Baekhyun starts to console Sehun. “Don't beat yourself up over it. Being in love isn't about sex anyways.”

Chanyeol agrees, head bobbing fast. “Yeah, even without sex, you two are like...legitimate relationship goals. I don't think I've ever admired a relationship more.” 

Sehun thinks that it's mostly on Jongin's part that their relationship stays so strong. Jongin is the one always giving and Sehun only takes. Giving nothing in return. His eyes and throat sting. Sehun doesn't speak. Jongin deserves more than him. His head ducks and his eyes blink a few times. Sehun stares into his cup of coffee. “I dunno even why Jongin loves me.” Sehun admits. “I'm a wreck.”

“Sehun, don't.” Baekhyun reaches out and gently touches his wrist. Sehun doesn't jerk away. He hadn't jerk away from someone's touch in 295 days 4 hours and 53 minutes. “See that?” Baekhyun nods towards where their skin is in contact. 

Sehun looks at Baekhyun with watery eyes and nods, wondering where he is going with this.

“Last year, Sehun, you would still jerk away from anyone, sometimes even Jongin. Two years ago, you wouldn't leave your house on Tuesdays and barely got three hours of good sleep at night. You may still have some problems to work through, but, goddamn, kid, you've come far. And Jongin's proud of you. We're proud of you, too. What makes us even prouder is that you're still working on being better. Even though having sex doesn't make your relationship better, or worse, you're thinking of Jongin and what he wants or is used to in relationships. And that's awesome, Sehun.” Baekhyun rattles and Chanyeol nods along, agreeing. 

Sehun smiles, just a little. That helped. 

–

“Jongin...” Sehun says softly, nerves jittery. Dr. Hand is looking at him expectantly. Sehun is in charge of the sessions, really. Dr. Hand just asks him where his thoughts are this week and allows Sehun to speak freely. If there is too long a pause, Dr. Hand would of course direct Sehun back to a topic with a few guided questions. 

Today, Sehun wants to talk about Jongin. It's not a subject Dr. Han hears about a lot because Jongin never troubles Sehun. On the positive talk days, Sehun would, of course, mention Jongin. Those times, Jongin was all he talked about. Well, Baekhyun and Chanyeol sometimes, too. 

“I want to increase our... uhm... intimacy levels.” Sehun struggles to even explain that. His cheeks burn. With Baekhyun and Chanyeol, it was easy to ask about since they talk about sex a lot between each other.

Dr. Han had only said the word once. 

“You mean sex?” Dr. Han states mildly. Nonjudgmental. Sehun is relieved to say the least.

“Yeah...” Sehun looks down at the ground. “I don't know how. I've started initiating more contact. Trying to, at least. The last few days, we've been washing each other in the shower, but that's about it. Since the time we...” Sehun pauses before recounting the incident the week before in the shower. 

“Have you spoken to Jongin about it?”

Sehun's face immediately turns a little guilty. “No. I'm more nervous for that conversation than I am to have sex.” 

“I'm proud of you for initiating and trying methods by yourself, would you like my advice?”

“Please.” Dr. Han has been Sehun's therapist for the longest time that Sehun's ever had a therapist. This is one of the reasons, he never forces his opinion on Sehun and he doesn't give advice when maybe Sehun doesn't want to hear it. When Sehun had asked about it once, Dr. Han just said he wanted to make sure that Sehun didn't just need to talk it out because he already had a plan to take care of the issue. 

“I have a trusted friend, Dr. Wu. He is a sex therapist. I'm not experienced in these matters, but he can help. I can give you his card and you can set up an appointment with him.”

Sehun's eyes go wide. “Sex therapy?” He shrinks in on himself. “Doesn't that-” 

“No.” Dr. Han say firmly, but then smiles warmly. “Nothing sexual happens anywhere near his office. It's like... talk therapy. Like what we do, but it will focus on your sexual issues. Get down to the root of the problem and guide you to resolutions. He helps you get going in the right direction. Sound familiar?” Dr. Han explains mildly, a smile on his face at the last question. It does sound familiar, it's exactly what he himself had done with Sehun. “You could even bring Jongin, if you think it would be a good idea.”

Sehun is opposed immediately to that idea. His cheeks heat. “No... No. It's my issue, I don't think Jongin should be involved. He's already really busy.” 

“You should tell him, at least. If you decide to go.” Dr. Han gets up from his chair and goes to his desk. He comes back with a card. It had Dr. Wu's name, office address, and a few telephone numbers. 

Sehun thanks him quietly and is silent as Dr. Han sits back in his chair. “The only other advice I have for you is practice makes perfect. You're doing good by slowly initiating more, but don't go too fast. But, also, you can't get stuck on one level. I'm sure Jongin would be willing to help you through it if you talked to him.”

–

Sehun is suddenly forced to talk when yet another Friday comes and Jongin's hand is inching up Sehun's calf. “You can touch me more.” He comments without thinking. This line was common in his fantasies he would come up with. He almost isn't sure he's actually said it out loud until Jongin's pen pauses and he raises an eyebrow.

He turns his head to face Sehun, Sehun's face, however, must be bright red. “Are you sure?”

Sehun nod, “Yes.” He breathes, fiddling with his hand in his lap. He picks at his cuticles. “I...I've been thinking about it lately. For a while. That I...I want to...”

Sehun is at a loss for words, and how to properly say it. 'Have sex' sounds too impersonal. 'Increase intimacy' is too clinical.

“I want us to be...uhm...I want to.” Sehun stops there, because he knows Jongin gets it. The look in his eyes says as much. “We have to start slow...I'm still learning how to deal.”

Jongin's hands slip up his knee and squeezes. “So that time in the shower?”

Sehun ducks his head, “I may have tried to go too fast...I'm sorry.”

Jongin just chuckles as his hand slips further up and onto Sehun's thigh. Sehun sucks in a breath. “It's okay, Sehun. I felt bad for pushing you, and I never brought it up because I wasn't sure if you meant what happened. I mean, I know you wanted it, but also, I didn't want to pressure you or anything.” 

Sehun's cheeks burn even hotter than he looks away, lips pressed into a thin line.

“Hey...” Jongin calls softly, slipping off his chair and onto his knees in front of Sehun. “I'm really proud of you for trying and for talking to me about it.” Sehun meets his eyes and is shocked. Jongin's eyes look dark. Sehun can only describe the look as sensual. Sehun's heart rate spikes. 

He wants to crawl out of his skin. “Slow, right?” Jongin asks quietly, eyes dropping to his hands as they feel along Sehun's thighs. Sehun nods frantically, not trusting his voice. Jongin's hands rest on Sehun's hips and his eyes move back to Sehun's face. “tell me when you've had enough, okay? You have to tell me.” Sehun nods again and Jongin kisses him. Sehun is already feeling a little bit like a wreck. That isn't unusual, however, because Jongin's kisses always make him weak.

Jongin's hands keep on the safe space of his hips until Sehun's tongue is being sucked on. Jongin's fnigertops burrow under Sehun's shirt and brush against the skin of his stomach. 

Sehun quite literally gasps against Jongin's mouth and his while body shudders. He can't tell if it I all anxiety or not. Jongin's mouth keeps moving on his, and his palms are now pressed flat against Sehun's stomach.

Sehun's arms go around Jongin's shoulders just so he had something to do with them. His fingers sink into Jongin's hair and he might be holding on just a little too tight. His hands would shake otherwise. 

Jongin's hands move farther up Sehun's body and he isn't sure whether he wants to pull away or press into it. It feels strange, unfamiliar. But it's Jongin. And he loves and trusts Jongin with his life. Jongin would never do anything harmful to him. 

Jongin's hand brushes at a scar right along Sehun's rib cage and Sehun jerks away, hands tucking against his body to push Jongin's away. Startled, Jongin raises his hands and sits back onto his legs. He is still sitting on the ground in front of Sehun's chair. 

“I'm sorry-” Sehun chokes out, feeling a little panicked. “You just... touched m-my scar and...” He tries to get out, still curled in on himself. “I...I thought of how that scar got there... and what my fa-”

“It's okay, Sehun.” Jongin pets Sehun's hair, smile soft. “One day, I'll hope you'll allow me to touch the places he hurt without thinking about him.” He say quietly and sit back up to press a kiss to Sehun's cheek. “One day, you'll think only of me.” 

Sehun nods, eyes wide. Slowly, he unfurls. “Can we... try again?” He whispers, reaching for Jongin. Jongin stands and takes hold of Sehun's hands. 

“Yes. But I need someplace more comfortable.” Jongin leads Sehun back to their bedroom, and sits on the bed. Sehun does the same. “Lay down, please. It might be easier.” Sehun nods but bends to slip his socks off first. Jongin laughs quietly and does the same. Sehun lays down and Jongin follows his movements. Being in bed together is normal, comforting even. Sehun relaxes. 

“Okay, I'm going to kiss you.” Jongin whispers, his face hovering above Sehun's and a hand on Sehun's hip. 

“I love when you kiss me.” Sehun starts, an edge of nervousness to his voice. Jongin strokes his cheek gently. 

“I love kissing you, too, I really do.” Jongin says, bringing his face closer, Sehun's eyes slip closed. He waits for the press of Jongin's lips against his own, but they go to his jaw instead. This makes Sehun gasp and go to bit rigid, especially when Jongin's teeth scrape over the large muscle in his neck. But then Jongin's hand is soothing down his arm and lacing with the fingers of his left hand and Sehung feels okay again. His breathing is sill coming a little short, however.

“Sehun? You're lying there like a piece of plywood...” Jongin says after a moment, eyebrows furrowed. “Did I do something? Do you need to stop?” Jongin asks, fingers still laced with Sehun. Other than that, they're not touching.

“I...” Sehun isn't sure what to say. He decides, he'll tell Jongin about the possibility of going to Dr. Wu. “I want...I want to be with you so bad, but...something just freezes up? I've gotten through all the...abuse with Dr. Han. I don't. I don't know what's been wrong, I've even been touching myself-” 

“You have?” Jongin cuts in, with a bite to his lip. 

“Y-Yeah...” Sehun shifts, and plows on ahead. “But, anyways... Dr. Han told me about his friend... Dr. Wu. I think... Maybe, if we keep hitting a roadblock, we can go to him? He's a sex therapist. Like what I do with Dr. Han, but more... intimately focused.”

Jongin looks unsure. “Let's... try for a month. Every third day, we will try. So you don't get overwhelmed.” Jongin bargains. Sehun strokes a hand down Jongin's cheek and nods. 

“Deal.”

–

This is how, a month later, Sehun and Jongin are sitting together with their hands clasped. They're in Dr. Wu's office. If Sehun had any idea what the inside of the waiting room for a sex therapist would look like, this was not it. It looks like a regular office of any old physician. There's a potted plant in the corner, which looks real to Sehun but could easily be fake. The T.V. On the wall is playing a slideshow of nature scenes instead of cable, and there is a motivational poster of a cat on the wall behind the sign in desk. The color scheme is gray and a lighter gray. With black, modern furniture. 

“I'm proud of you for doing this, Sehun.” Jongin says and pats the top of Sehun's hands where it's nestled in his other. “And I'm...so happy it's because you were thinking of me.” He continues. “And I want you to know that, no matter the outcome, I'll always love you.” 

Sehun sinks against Jongin's shoulder, showing his gratitude for his words, but he is unable to respond as the desk clerk calls their names. 

Dr. Wu is nothing like Dr. Han. Where Dr. Han was average in height, Dr. Wu towers over both Sehun and Jongin, who are the tallest men in their apartment building. Dr. Han is soft edges and welcoming features. Dr. Wu is sharp and hard. Sehun feels intimidated when he steps inside the room and the Dr. Strides over. 

The only comforting thing about Dr. Wu is the way he dresses. To Sehun, it is more like what he expected such a progressive therapist to look like. He's wearing regular black slacks, if they're of a certain quality, Sehun wouldn't know. His shoes are black as well, but his socks are orange. And his dress shirt... has these weird patterns on them. Like a child was told to draw a few different animals and it was printed over and over on a white dress shirt. 

He's wearing golden wire rimmed glasses. And his hair is purple. A light purple. Sehun finds he likes the shade. 

“Pleasure to meet you, I'm Dr. Wu.” He says, after taking a few strides over with his endless legs. He sticks out his hand towards Sehun, but Jongin jumps in and takes his hand to give it a firm shake. 

“I'm Jongin, and this is my boyfriend Sehun.” Jongin introduces them both. Sehun looks around the office. Once again, it's all normal. Nothing sexual in sight. He's not sure why, but the fact that it's so plain is a bit of a disappointment. But also, very, very comforting. Sehun lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. 

“Have a seat, please, and let's get started. I, of course, know nothing of your situation. Dr. Han, despite being connected to us, is unable to share anything about you.” Dr. Wu starts. He has an accent, like Dr. Han does. It makes Sehun wonder, even just a little. “We don't have to go too heavily into detail, but I need to know just... What I need to help with.”

Sehun and Jongin settle down. They sit close together again, knees touching. Dr. Wu sits across from them in a black overstuffed arm chair, the couple themselves seated in a loveseat of the same condition. Sehun sinks down what feels like halfway to the floor. Jongin looks at Sehun, waiting for him to speak. “I... well, I have. Dr. Han calls is severe OCD and anxiety.” Sehun begins, Dr. Wu is looking at them patiently. Jongin places his hand on Sehun's thigh and squeezes lightly. Sehun sinks into his side once again and keeps talking. He speaks about everything that he had dealt with and everything he wasn't able to do lately. With Jongin. 

He could get there fine on his own, but when it came to Jongin, he froze up. Jongin rubs Sehun's thigh gently. 

Dr. Wu watches, fingers tented in front of his lips, elbows on his knees. He looks completely invested in Sehun's words. And when Sehun runs out, they're twenty minutes from the end of their session. 

“You've been trying to do this based on a schedule...?” Dr. Wu starts, questioning. Sehun gulps and nods. “Because of your OCD, right?” Dr. Wu asks. Once again, Sehun nods. Dr. Wu leans back in his chair and hums. “You said part of what you've been trying to do has relied on Dr. Han's methods of getting you to break your rigid routine starting from when you first started your therapy with him, right?” At Sehun's nod, Dr. Wu continues. “May take on it is that, you're trying too hard. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform in a certain way.”

“So... we should stop trying...?” Jongin's voice sounds a little strange, Sehun catches it and his shoulders slump in defeat. 

“Not at all. But, sex... isn't about schedules or timing. It's about feeling. About wanting the other.” Dr. Wu say. “Remember, Sehun, how you told me about the shower incident?” Dr. Wu starts. “How did it feel? Before you panicked and ran away?”

“It felt... amazing, like nothing I've ever experienced before.” Sehun responds, giving a resolute nod.

“And did you plan on initiating it?”

“No, I was only going to wash him up.”

“Exactly. Where the other times like that?”

“No...” Sehun shook his head.

“See? You have to be spontaneous about it. Especially for the first time, you can't force it, Sehun.” Dr. Wu consults. He then turns his gaze to Jongin. Sehun looks, too, curious to what he has to say to him. This was mostly Sehun's problem, right?

There is a brief moment where Sehun can tell Jongin feels a little uncomfortable. Sehun squeezes Jongin's thigh back, like he had done for him the entire time. “Jongin, you need to be upfront with your desire for your boyfriend. I know, you say that sex isn't important, and I don't have a doubt it isn't the truth- I can tell how close and in love you two are. But, you want to be with him sexually, correct?”

“Yes, god, yes.” Jongin rushes out.

“Then tell him. Show him.” Dr. Wu suggests. “I'm not saying don't listen to what he needs, too. But, you can't always let him come to you, you know?” 

The session ends then, and Dr. Wu walks them out of the office with a few parting words and a promise to see them next month. But to not feel pressured to have results. Just trials.

Sehun and Jongin sit in the car for a few extra moments in the parking lot. For the first minute or so, they're quiet, thinking it over. “It makes sense...” Jongin starts, pressing his lips together. “We go on dates, and they're romantic. But, I don't think I've ever outwardly shown that I've wanted you. Even when we were trying. He's right, I always waited for you to make the first move.”

“Jongin, I-” Sehun starts, wanting to defend Jongin, make it known that it wasn't a big deal to him. But Jongin continues.

“I want you, Sehun. Sometimes so badly, that even after I helped myself get off, it wasn't enough and I still wanted you.” Jongin says, looking straight at Sehun and Sehun's breath hitches at the look in them. It's so intense and full of honesty and there's the fact of what his words mean. “I know, sometimes you feel like a burden to me, but I swear to God, Sehun, there isn't a day goes by that I don't want you. In every single way I know how to want someone. You are... the most beautiful. Most sexy. Most caring and amazing person I've ever known. And I am honored to love you and have you love me.” 

Sehun is at a loss for words. They're always upfront about their affections for each other, but it was nothing like this. “Jongin...” Sehun manages, somehow. He feels like his heart is going to burst. There are tears building in his eyes. He blinks them away before they fall and he waits until the lump in his throat disappears before he speaks again. “I never had any doubt, Jongin. So, don't feel guilty.”

There are no more words after that, and Jongin starts the car and drives.

It's nearing five o'clock when they return home and Jongin convinces Sehun to let them order takeout chicken. Sehun had put a stop to Jongin's unhealthy (and expensive) eating habits when they moved in together. They saved a fortune on Sehun's homecooked meals but Jongin was a glutton at heart with a weakness for fried chicken that Sehun couldn't quite emulate with his limited knowledge of foreign cuisine. 

Sehun gives way sometimes when Jongin is really craving. This time, he agrees and the doorbell rings ten minutes before six. They rise from the couch where they were sitting together watching the news. Jongin to collect the chicken, Sehun to get the plates and sets the table. 

It's a regular night in with Sehun and Jongin. 

It's the next night something changes. 

Thursday isn't usually their date night. But Jongin picks Sehun up from work at the cafe and announces the plan. For the night. Sehun, a little unsure at the break from routine, asks plenty of questions. It was just dinner at their favorite steakhouse. Jongin wanted wine, just a glass, he promised. And then Jongin wanted to walk along the main road, the one with all the shops and lights. Maybe to the park. 

This, Sehun agrees to. The weather is nice, the rain holding off for at least a day. Sehun loves 'The Strip' which is what they call it. He loves to window shop, maybe plan for what he wants to decorate their future house with. Even more, he loves Jongin and would walk to the end of the earth just to make him happy. 

The dinner goes by like their usual dinners. Making plans, discussing what Jongin is learning, Sehun promising to help Jongin with some math problems he was stuck on. Their night doesn't seem to change. It's normal, and they are in love. Sehun holds Jongin's hand as they walk down the street. It's nearing dark by now, and the shops along the street are closing up. This also means that there aren't a lot of people. The perfect time to window shop. Jongin has it all planned out for the best date. It's not chilly but there is a breeze that makes Sehun unconsciously shift closer to his lover. Jongin smells good. He smells like always, but tonight, when they're on a spontaneous date, Sehun feels himself filling with so much love and appreciation for Jongin. 

Sehun sees a flower stand up ahead, the woman outside is bustling, trying to get things put away for the end of business. It's then, seeing the flowers, and being with Jongin, that he gets an idea. He rushes over with a shout. Jongin sputter confused, but runs after him.

Sehun, with quick calculations, decides he can afford to buy three roses and a handful of daisies. Jongin loves daisies. Sehun loves roses. “Here!” Sehun says once the transaction is complete and the flower stand worker can go back to closing up shop. “I got you these.” Sehun says. 

Jongin looks surprised, and most importantly so, so fond. As always. “They're beautiful.” He says, taking them from Sehun. “And. You touched them all by yourself.” Jongin pulls Sehun in with his free arm around his shoulder, pressing a kiss on his forehead. 

Sehun smiles, even as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his small packet of wipes from his pocket to wipe his hands free, One arm around Jongin. “You mean so much to me, Jongin. I just wanna have the chance to show you.” 

“You show it to me every day you allow me to be with you.” Jongin points out, then kisses Sehun's lips before pulling away to allow Sehun to wipe his hands clean. Jongin keeps hold of the flowers and smells them. “But, flowers are a wonderful reminder.” 

After this, it's a short shot to the park. They take the a path along a bridge, with Sehun close and their voices soft. They talk about their future. Jongin has at least two years left of school and the residency. “You have a lot of plans about the future...” Sehun says quietly, watching Jongin play with the flowers in his hands. “You really have it figured out, huh?”

“Yeah. We'll have a house. Not too big. Maybe... maybe we could get a dog?” There is a lot of hope, a lot of excitement in Jongin's eyes and tone. Sehun forgets to cringe at the thought. A dog would make Jongin happy, wouldn't it? “One that is short haired and trained well, of course.” 

“Yeah...” Sehun nods as they stop by the fountain Sehun takes a moment and sits down, but Jongin doesn't follow. “Jongin?” Sehun asks, but Jongin is looking a little shell shocked. 

“You want to get a dog with me?” Jongin asked almost cautiously, like he wasn't sure if Sehun had really heard what Jongin had said- like he wasn't sure if Sehun knew what he was agreeing to. 

Sehun, even though he feels a little reserved about the idea of getting a dog, he kind of likes the idea of them taking responsibility for a living creature. “Yes. Yes, I do.” Sehun nods. “When we get a house.” He nods, but already, he has some plan forming in his mind. 

Jongin tugs Sehun up and into a tight, crushing hug. The same, all encompassing hug that Jongin usually gives, with his hand on the back of Sehun's head. He's laughing, so Sehun can't help but laugh too. The flowers are abandoned on the edge of the fountain, but Sehun can't think about that when Jongin pulls away a little to press kisses all over his face. “god, I love you so fucking much.” He said in between kisses. Something changes between them, and the kisses turn longer, more passionate. Sehun pulls away with a gasp and looks into Jongin's eyes, wide and searching. 

He wants Jongin. “Let's go home.” He says breathlessly, pulling on Jongin's hand. The walk to the car is long, too long, but they're taking larger, quicker steps to get there. 

When they finally make it home, it's as if they can't keep their hands off each other. Sehun feels dizzy with desire, with love. Like a dam that's broken free and he can't control. And Jongin... Jongin's mouth is hot and heave and everywhere Sehun has ever imagined it would be. They're still fully clothes, but Sehun can't feel nothing but Jongin's breath heavy against his neck, sucking kisses there. They're still in the doorway of their apartment, but thankfully it's shut behind Sehun's back. Sehun fumbles with the lock and getting his shoes off before Jongin tugs them towards the bedroom. 

Both their shoes are strewn in the foyer, right near the door, but Sehun doesn't stop to fix them. He kisses Jongin like his life depends on it. 

Thrill nearly renders Sehun immobile, but he stumbles along with Jongin's help and his back hits the bed within a few moments. Sehung gasps and his arms pull Jongin to him, mouths connecting and reconnecting over and over as their hips do.

There's a moan- which has Sehun going rigid. It's such an embarrassing sound. One of Jongin's hands slide down Sehun's side and clasp his in his, the other hand cupping the side of his face. “I like the sounds you make.” Jongin says in a rush, sounding a little breathless. “I want to hear more of them. Don't run.” 

Sehun can hear the desperation in his voice, can feel it radiating off of him. It makes him melt. It makes him stay. He responds to Jongin's words with another, open mouth kiss. Which is met with overwhelming enthusiasm. Sehun wants, Jongin gives. Jongin wants, Sehun gives. 

They're been naked together, but this is the first time they're actually taking off each others' clothes. This is where they always got stuck. Sehun would feel Jongin's fingers on the buttons of his shirt and shut down. This time, when he feels the buttons coming undone, he reaches for Jongin's shirt, too, getting a only three undone by the time Sehun's shirt is completely open. His hands are so shaky. 

Jongin is touching his bare chest, his lips slipping from Sehun's and down his neck. Sehun's pulse is racing, so is his mind. He needs some grounding. He can feel Jongin against his leg. He's hard. Sehun is hard, too. He breathes out shakily. He feels delirious. Jongin is somewhere near his belly button. He can't breathe. 

“Jongin-” He says, but it's another one of those moans. Another one of those sounds. He shudders. “Jongin, I d-dunno if I can do everything.” He rushes out before he loses his nerves. Jongin sits up and licks his lips. They're swollen and spit slicked. It's equal parts sexy and disgusting. Sehun is torn between what he feels more. 

“We can take it one step at a time... just let me... let me touch you, Sehun. Please.” Jongin is once again sounding desperate. Jongin's hands rest on Sehun's hips. 

“We have to pause for a second, my heart is going crazy... it feels like it's going to burst.” Sehun admits, reaching out to run his fingers through Jongin's hair. The soft, silky tresses are comforting. He can feel his blood pressure dropping.

“That's the whole point Sehun. It's how it works.” Jongin laughs quietly, capturing Sehun's wrist and kissing it gently. “Can I continue?”

Sehun gulps, and nods, “What are you going to do, though?”

“I-” For the first time in a while, Sehun witnesses Jongin blush. “I want to just...w-well...” Sehun feels his heart speed up again. 

“Just do it. I changed my mind, you don't have to explain.” Sehun whispers, still looking down at Jongin. He bites his lip in debate. “B..but whatever we do... I wanna do it together.”

Jongin seems to think for a moment, “Then, we're going to do something I haven't done since high school.” He seems to laugh and sit up, undoing his shirt the rest of the way and tossing it aside. Sehun tips his head to the side, confused. Jongin smiles and lays across Sehun's body. Their hips are pressed together. Sehun can feel his arousal against his and his breath hitches. “You'll love it.” 

Jongin rolls his hips. Hard. Sehun moans. They're still clothed from the waist down. Jongin keeps rolling his hips. “o-oh-” Sehun lets out, head falling back to the pillows and eyes shutting. Jongin kisses Sehun again. It's safe and familiar territory combined with the foreign new feeling. He bites Jongin's lip accidentally as a shudder rock through him. 

Jongin's hands are all over Sehun's body, but he's making sure to keep from touching any of Sehun's scars. He knows everywhere they are- probably better than Sehun himself does. He wonders how many times Jongin stared, longingly in order to memorize their places. Sehun moans into Jongin's mouth.

His mind goes blank. All he can think, feel, and sense is Jongin, Jongin, Jongin. 

He clings to Jongin, fingers digging into his back. Sehun's stomach is tightening. He can't--

“J-Jongin!” He cries out. He then shudders through his release. Back arching, toes curling, earth shattering. His fingers scrape down Jongin's back. Jongin's hips are still rutting against his, fervently. Sehun continues to writhe. He's holding onto Jongin's biceps like his life depends on it. 

It stops when Jongin groans against Sehun's neck. Sehun feels the shudder that rocks through him and then they're tangled together, messes in both their pants, and panting. “You look like an angel when you orgasm.” 

Sehun's face burns, and he hides it in Jongin' gorgeous, slightly sweaty shoulder. “Sh-shut up...” He stutters out, but he's smiling. He did it. He took a step. 

“Do you want to shower together?” Jongin asks after a few moments, when the fact they both came in their pants is getting too uncomfortable to ignore any longer. “No funny business, I just want to wash your hair.”

Sehun nods and follows Jongin as he climbs off Sehun and towards the bathroom. He'd follow Jongin anywhere.


End file.
